Ich habe ein Vogel
by Felix McKraken
Summary: Vegeta's accidentally becomes 'nice' and decides to take his kids to the mall. While Bulma fears for her childrens' lives, mayhem ensues with the Saiyans.


**Ich habe ein Vogel.**  
  
"You sexist bastard!" Bulma screamed, chasing him and surprisingly keeping pace. "It was just a joke!" Vegeta yelled back defensively, getting backed into a corner by his angry wife. "Vegeta-" she took a deep breath, lifting the high and mighty frying pan far above her head, "You deserve this."  
  
THUNK.  
  
"..." Bulma stared at the collapsed figure on the ground. Hmm..that never happened before. She nudged him with her foot but his body didn't even twitch. "OH GOD!!!" she screamed in terror, "I KILLED VEGETA!!!" She burst out into tears, dropping her tool of death and falling to her knees. "Why, god, why!?" the blue-haired woman cried out, clutching onto the crumpled form of the Prince of Saijins. Dr. Briefs came running in out of nowhere, "Bulma, what's the matter!!" She pointed to the brunette, sobbing her eyes out, "I KILT HIM!" Dr. Briefs was shocked at first but as he examined Vegeta closer he noticed he was still breathing, and he still had a pulse. "No, my dear," Bulma's father informed her, "You only conked him on the head good. He's out cold." Bulma stared at him blankly for a second. "Oh," she said, promptly dropping her husband, "No worries then." She walked off to put her frying pan up and Dr. Briefs dragged the prince over to the couch. "Get him a bag of ice and let him rest and he'll be fine," Dr. Briefs informed before returning to whatever task he had been performing.  
  
Sometime later Bulma walked past him and he woke with a start. He looked at her. She looked at him. He blinked. She blinked. He stood up. She stood still. "Vegeta..." she started, a bit worried because he wasn't bitching already. Out of no where he grabbed her and kissed her. She flailed. When he let go a warm smile curved his lips. "Vegeta...are you ok?" she questioned, silently thinking to herself, 'Maybe I hit him too hard..' He opened him mouth to reply when a sudden outburst of yelling came from the other room. "Those kids!" Bulma sighed sadly. As she moved to find out what was the matter, Vegeta had beaten her to it. "Alright! What the hell is it this time!?" he shouted, his voice bellowing. Bra and Trunks pointed at each other, speaking simotaneously, "S/he did it!" Vegeta folded his arms and gave a disbelieving smile, "Alright...that's it!" He grabbed both of them by the back of their collars and began to carry them out the door when Trunks flailed insanely. "I..I wanna say goodbye to mommy!" he yelled frantically, as if it was his dying wish. "Fine. Hurry it up," Vegeta grumbled, setting the purple-haired child down so that he could speak with his mother. Trunks pulled on Bulma's clothing, clasping tightly, "Mom, don't make me go, please! I think he wants to kill us..." His mom shook her head, "Trunks...your father may seem like a homicidal maniac, but he wouldn't ever kill you or your sister, nor me..." The young boy sat back, recalling all the violent acts his father had done, 'If experiencing joy when killing doesn't qualify you to be homicidal maniac, I don't know what does.' He bit back tears in his eyes, "Mom..if I don't see you again...I love you." Bulma playfully thwaped his arm, "Silly Trunks...don't talk like that! Trust your father even if it's going to be for the first time, ok?"  
  
By now Vegeta was pretty upset that they weren't leaving. "That's it! We're going, and we're going NOW!" he proclaimed, grabbing Trunks and pealing him away from Bulma. "Bye honey," Vegeta said sweetly, blowwing her a kiss before he shut the door. Bulma stood shocked for a few moments and then she suddenly screamed outloud to herself, "OH MY GOD, HE IS GOING TO KILL THEM!" But as she ran outside she saw their car driving off towards the horizon, leaving a trail of dust behind like they always do in cheesy movies. She screamed, "NOOOOOO!!! MY CHILDREN! What will I d--I KNOW!!" Bulma quickly ran inside and picked up the phone, dialing in a number which I personally don't know, but it has great significance..to the story at least. Okay, maybe not great significance but it has some significance, ok!?  
  
"Stop it Trunks!" Bra whined from the backseat. There was some noise and then a louder whine, "STOP IT TRUNKS!" Vegeta slammed on the breaks, no longer able to take it. Trunks suddenly became petrified with fear, remembering what he thought his father's mission was. "Sorry," he muttered lowly, his eyes wide, resembly those of a deer's when it looked into a pair of oncoming headlights. "DON'T apologize to ME, goddamnit!" he growled ravenously. Bra and Trunks seemed unphased by the brunette's cussing. "Apogize to your SISTER!" he pointed to the small girl to emphasize his point. "Erm....ok," Trunks turned to Bra nervously, "Sorry sis." A bit perturbed and confused, Bra numbly nodded, "'Tis ok..." Vegeta glared at them both. They both sat still. Trunks held his breath. Bra averted her eyes. "Now..." Vegeta said, taking a breath, "Hug." His children looked at each other confused but were thankful that they still had their lives. They clung onto each other in mutual terror, the act passing for a hug to the unknowing prince. He smiled happily and turned around, facing forward, "I don't want to hear anymore fighting, is that understood?" The children both muttered at the same time, "Yes, sir."  
  
Vegeta eventually pulled into a parking lot, and soon enough, he parked the car. "Get out," he demanded and there they all stood next to the car in a parking lot that belonged to a mall. "Yay!" Bra squealed joyfully. Trunks was at a lost and he truly feared for his life now. Everyone knew the one simple fact about Vegeta as much as he did. Vegeta hated people. The brunette lifted Bra high (at least high for her, we all known how tall Vegeta is) and set her back down on his shoulders. "Let's go, Trunks," Vegeta said calmly. Trunks cautiously followed the full-blooded Saijin. They came to a cross walk and Vegeta extended his hand. Trunks blinked. "Boy, what are you doing!?" Vegeta asked roughly. Trunks shivered like a leaf, "I uh....what?" His innocence was appalling. "Didn't your mother ever teach you never to cross a street alone!?" Vegeta questioned in disbelief, jutting his hand out towards the boy again. "Oh, yeah," Trunks said, as if he had forgotten, and hesitantly he let his hand be taken by his father's.  
  
"Hello?" the confused voice of a friendly black-haired man answered the phone. "GOKU! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!" screamed Bulma at the top of her lungs, nearly causing the Saijin to go deaf. "..ow..." Goku muttered, starting to unwince, "What's the matter?" His friend began to sob incoherantly, "...Vegeta...and...and.....and he took them...and he's...he's gonna kill em!" Goku blinked a few times in confusion, "What?" Bulma screamed at him, "VEGETA TOOK BRA AND TRUNKS AND HE'S GOING TO KILL THEM!" Goku thereafter dropped the receiver and fell over, twitching. "Goku? Goku..are you there!?" Bulma called out worridly. The Saijin found the phone again, still lying on the ground, "Y-yes...Bulma, do you know WHY?" Bulma sniffled and quietly said, "No. I think he just snapped." He stood up and quickly said, "Ok. I'll be right over!"  
  
The trio meanwhile walked through the mall casually, Trunks being sure that he didn't even walk funny. Suddenly Bra gave out a joyful squeal, "LOOK! IT'S SANTA!!" Vegeta said nothing. Trunks said nothing and he held his breath. Bra continued to plead with her dad, "I wanna go see Santa! Can we, can we, can we!?" Vegeta paused and took a breath, "Yeah, why not." Trunks tripped in surprise and the Saijin caught him. "Watch where you're walking...Are your shoelaces tied??" his father questioned him suspiciously. "Y-yeees.." the boy trailed, thoroughly shocked. "Good," his father replied, carefully taking Bra down from his shoulders, "Go see Santa." The girl paused for a second before clasping onto Vegeta's leg proclaiming, "I'm scared to go alone!" Vegeta looked down at Trunks, "Go see Santa to show you're sister that it's ok." Trunks protested before he had time to think, "But you told me Santa isn't real!" Bra burst out into tears after her brother's statement, "You big meanie-head, that's not true!" Vegeta forced a smile onto his face, "Trunks. Please." That was it. Trunks nearly had a heart attack. 'OH MY FUCKING GOD, HE SAID PLEASE!!' Trunks was paralyzed, half from joy, half from confusion, 'Opps...can't cuss, mommy doesn't like it.' The young half-breed leapt up onto Santa's lap and engaged in a brief conversation.  
  
"See? It's easy," Vegeta coached his daughter, kneeling, "If Trunks can do it, you can do it." The little blue-haired girl looked up at Vegeta, wiping tears away from her eyes, "...You go first." Vegeta raised an eyebrow, unmoving other than that. Trunks stood, waiting at the end of the exit pathway. "You want me to sit on the fat guy-er...Santa's lap?" Vegeta asked her blandly as if he had heard her incorrectly. Bra nodded vigorously. Vegeta cringed. "Okay, alright," the prince gave in before hand, knowing this was a fight he was destined to lose. The Saijin hurridly explained the situation to St. Nick before plopping down on his lap (little did Bra know that he was hovering a few millimeters above so he could appease her but keep some of his dignity). Trunks stared. "Ho, ho, ho!" Santa bellowed joyously, "What's your name?" Vegeta folded his arms and looked towards his daughter, 'The things I put up with...' He took a breath and flatly stated, "Vegeta." The mall Santa looked a bit confused, "Vegeta..that's an interesting name." Vegeta looked him in the eyes, nearly turning the poor man to stone. "What would you like for Christmas?" Santa Claus asked hurridly to avoid any trouble. Vegeta put a hand to his chin in thought, he smiled at a thought and submitted to a daydream for a moment, "Uh....let's just go with the usual: I want Kakkarot dead." Santa wasn't sure what to say to that, thankfully Bra interrupted them. "Yay! Papa!" she squealed, leaping into Vegeta's lap. The brunette smiled and held her carefully, "Tell Santa what you want for Christmas." The girl shook her head, "If you're Santa...what's my name?" Santa gave another "Ho ho ho" before replying, "Why you're little Bra, aren't you?"  
  
The small girl was ecstatic and gave the Santa a large hug. Little did she know that Trunks had given her name before hand. Her older brother smiled. Vegeta hoped that the humiliation would be over soon. Bra still wanted to see Santa. "Tell me what you'd like!" Santa cheerfully questioned. "I want a new Barbie doll, and a makeup kit, and the Pretty Pretty Princess game, and I want my papa to stay like he is forever!" the girl was bubbling with energy for she pounced on Vegeta when mentioning him. "I'll do my best," St. Nick said, giving a nod to Vegeta as he carried Bra off. The girl was sad but waved. Trunks felt good inside. Vegeta was relieved. The Santa was trying to recover from Vegeta's evil look that he'd been given earlier. "Papa, I'm hungry!" Bra told her father, looking up at him with huge pleading eyes. "Trunks, are you hungry?" Vegeta asked his son, looking around the mall. "Erm...just a little," the boy shyly answered. His stomach growled and he tried to silence it. "Okay. What do you guys want to eat?" the Saijin asked, stopping before the Food Court. "Pizza!" they cried out in unison. "Pizza it is," mumbled the prince.  
  
Soon enough the three sat at a table munching on pizza. "Was it necessary to order three large pizzas?" Trunks asked his father after finishing his second piece. Bra was still working on her first. "Yes," the Prince of Saijins replied, working on his fifth piece and nearly inhaling it. "Papa, you eat a lot!" Bra giggled, red sauce splattered all across her face. Vegeta sighed and looked at her in mid-chew, slightly shaking his head as if acknowledging her ignorance. Trunks stayed quiet and ate his meal. After finishing the three pizzas (one piece lost to Bra, seven to Trunks, and the rest to Vegeta) they rested for a minute before getting back up. Vegeta washed everything down with a large glass of ice cold Dr. Pepper (oooh Dr. Pepper..you make the world taste better. Oops..sorry, got carried away) and promptly gave a large belch that even surprised him. He laughed nervously rubbing the back of his neck as Bra went into a giggling fit and Trunks resisted the urge to laugh, a smile upon his face. Vegeta wiped off his face just in case and called his daughter over to him. "Hold still," he said, taking a napkin and attempting to clean her face. Trunks watched his father with a warm heart, 'I've never seen him like this...' Bra closed her eyes as Vegeta held her face in place wiping the white cloth over her dirty skin, "Papa.....Papa! I have to go to the bathroom."  
  
Vegeta's mind played cheesy horror film music that he must have picked up from passing out from exhaustion in the capsule while watching T.V. at three in the morning. He didn't like it. "You...what?" Vegeta asked, his complexion paling. "I have to go to the bathroom!" Bra informed, only louder this time. Trunks was wondering what Vegeta would do. Vegeta was wondering what he would do. The cheesy horror music finally ended and he could think again. "Alright..." Vegeta slowly said, taking her hand and leading her to the restroom. He reached foreward to push open the Mens Room door when Trunks suddenly tugged on his leg (for we all know there is no clothing to tug because Vegeta wears spandex..mmm...Vegeta in spandex, I MEAN! OH LOOK THE MENS ROOM DOOR...). "Dad...don't you think you shouldn't..I mean, you know.." Trunks shyly began. He made a gesture. Bra blinked, not understanding. Vegeta blinked, understanding. "Good point," he replied, patting his son lightly on the head. He took a breath and turned for the other door, bravely pushing it in knowing he'd have to fight the worst of all enemies: Women.  
  
She saw a strange figure out of the corner of her eye and she turned and gazed at the most muscular and built man she had ever seen in her entire life. Sure he had vertical hair, but that was a small defect that was quickly ignored by the fact he was only wearing spandex. 'Call the police, this man looks too fine to be free,' she nearly felt her eyes turn into shiny pink hearts. Then her gaze fell and she noted the blue-haired girl which was holding the man's hand. 'Damnit! The perfect ones are always taken!' the women thought angrily. If only she knew... A few women were startled at first but upon noticing Bra, decided to take no action. "Ok, go," Vegeta ushered his child into the nearest available stall. "Papa! I'm scared to go alone!" Bra said, her eyes filling with tears. "Urk," Vegeta was visablly stunned, 'Note to self: Always have safe sex no matter how good it feels.' The prince clenched his teeth, "Saijins are not scared. Now go." Bra began to sob, "But paaaapaaaaa! Mommy said I'm human too!!!" Vegeta cringed at the crying and got them into the stall as fast as he could. Vegeta looked up at the ceiling, trying to ignore all the sounds of the Ladies Room, 'Think of something happy, Vegeta! Ooohh....the day I killed Nappa. That was good!' Soon he was taking a trip down memory lane, 'Then I was beaten. That was bad. Then I went to Namek and killed people! That was good!! Oh....but then Freiza killed me. That was very not good. But I was brought back! That was good! Oh...but I didn't get immortality. Bad. Very bad. I got wished to Earth instead. Very very bad. But I've gotten laid! Very very good!' He felt someone pulling on his leg and saying, "Papa, let's go!" But he was pretty far gone, 'I had children...that was...bad. I guess. They're ok when they're not brats. But I got laid, which is good!'  
  
His daughter's shouts finally snapped him out of it, "PAPA!" Vegeta blinked a few times and looked down at his daughter, "Sorry honey, daddy zoned out for a bit." Vegeta showed her to the sink, lifting her up so she could reach. "No, no, NO!" the brunette growled, "Didn't your mother ever teach you how to wash your hands!?" He helped her out gently which was an opposite of his voice. "Doctors wash there hands like this, that means they're clean, got it?" the prince said, standing beside her as the air dryer dried her hands. "Papa, why don't Saijins cry?" Bra innocently asked. "Oh Bra..if only you understood!" Vegeta proclaimed, his voice suddenly changing into something that was most definetely not Vegeta-like. They walked out into the hallway where Trunks joined them. "You see, Bra...if daddy ever cried, do you know what happened?" both children knew their father's question was rhetorical in a way, "HE GOT BEATEN UNTIL HE WAS BLUE!!" Trunks and Bra were both startled by his sudden screaming. "HE WAS LOCKED AWAY WITH NO FOOD OR DRINK IN HOPES THAT THE RATS WOULD EAT HIM FOR HIS LOW ACT OF WEAKNESS!!" Trunks was traumatized. Bra began to cry. Vegeta felt good, after all, his daughter was crying for him (that's for him, not because of him). "Oh geez..." Vegeta decided enough was enough and he knelt. "There, there," he said, patting his daughter comfortingly, "It wasn't that bad, really. I mean, at least most of the rats weren't bigger than my head." This only made Bra cry more.  
  
"Papa, no!" Bra cried, clinging to him, "I love papa!" Vegeta felt good. Too good to be natural. He questioned his physical and mental health. Trunks was unsure of what to do. "Bra loves papa! Mommy loves papa! Trunks loves papa, right??" the little girl turned to her older brother. He blinked a few times, not fully accepting that he was being acknowledged. Bra sudden clasped onto Trunks instead, "Trunks...!!! The rats tried to eat papa!" Trunks was flabbergasted. "Trunks, don't you love papa!?" Bra was almost hysteric. Vegeta suddenly recalled his note to himself in the restroom. The purple-haired boy gave a nod, but this wasn't enough to convince the girl. "TRUNKS!..LOVE PAPA!! The rats tried to eat em...love papa..." she seemed like a water faucet whose handle had broken off. "Sure I love him," Trunks tried to convince Bra. It wasn't like he was lying, but gods! Anything to make her shut up! "Tell papa!" Bra sniffled, pointing her finger to Vegeta. Trunks looked up at Vegeta who had his arms folded. Trunks suddenly felt scared. "Er...father," Trunks began, knowing that whenever he expressed his feelings to the prince he got a physical reprimend. Vegeta's arms unfolded and he looked down at his son, his dark eyes looked non-threatening which was usual, "I love you." Vegeta blinked. Trunks gulped. Bra stopped crying. Vegeta kneeled before his children, specifically looking at his son, "I love you too." That was it. Again. Trunks fell backward.  
  
"Trunks, are you ok!?" Vegeta asked, holding the small boy who he was able to catch, "Trunks!" He heard Vegeta calling out to him and he slowly became fully conscious. When the prince noticed that his eyes were open he spoke to him again, "Are you okay?" Trunks wasn't sure. Bra seemed confused. Vegeta looked worried. "Maybe it was something I ate," the boy offered, attempting to stand. "Don't walk if you feel sick," Vegeta instructed, lifting his son into his arms. Bra began to pout so Vegeta placed her back on his shoulders. "Let's go home so Trunks can lie down. Besides, it's almost past your bed time, Bra," Vegeta noted the time that was displayed on a clock on the wall. "But I'm not tired!" Bra responded insistantly. Trunks felt good. Well, he felt bad for lying to Vegeta. But it felt good that his father was actually expressing concern for him. Most of the time when he was injured or sick Vegeta didn't care, considering it was usually him who caused it. Trunks yawned, slightly tired, leaning his head against the Saijin's chest. Vegeta smirked. Bra played with Vegeta's hair. He didn't seem to notice.  
  
The trip home was quiet considering both children had fallen asleep. Trunks on the way to the car and Bra once they were in the car. Vegeta sighed and turned on the radio, listening to something...oh, let's make it classical just for show. So there Vegeta sat in the earthling made vehical, listening to classical music. His mind began conjuring plans he had for the week to come. Some of it was spending times with Trunks, and some of it was spending time with Bra. Mainly he focused on the time he'd be spending with Bulma....mmmm.....purr, purr. OH SHIT! Vegeta used his lightning fast reflexes to turn the car away from the oncoming eighteen-wheeler. His eyes were wide with shock and he thought to himself, 'I think it's best if I concentrate on driving for now.' And because he was determined, and made himself aware, everyone made it home without a scratch. Except for Trunks, but that was because he had a scratch from before so that doesn't really count. Poor Trunks... Vegeta nudged his children awake, telling them, "We're home. Let's go.." They yawned, stretched, rubbed their eyes and lazily followed behind.  
  
"You kids brush your teeth and climb into bed and I'll read you a story, ok?" Vegeta told them as they approached the door. Both nodded numbly. Vegeta smiled. As an unpleasent surprise although, at the moment Vegeta opened the door he was knocked to the ground before he knew what was happening. "Goku!" Trunks shouted in surprise, running to his father's aide. "Trunks! Bra! ....You're still..alive!!" the Saijin yelled outloud. Bulma cried with joy, "My beautiful children!" She clutched them so tight that they couldn't breathe properly. 'I think it's mom now who has a few screws loose,' Trunks plainly thought to himself. Bra was confused. As was Goku, like usual. Finally Vegeta began to come to, pushing himself up off the ground. "Kakkarot, what the fuck was that for!?" the prince screamed, his fists clenched. "Sorry Vegeta, it's all just a big mistake!" Goku waved his hands as a gesture for apologizing. Vegeta shouted at the tops of his lungs, "Yeah! Like how you're still ALIVE!!" Earth's hero rubbed the back of his neck, "Look, I got to get back home. Chi-chi will kill me if I'm not home for dinner. Sorry again, Vegeta!" And after that, he was gone. "Papa, are you going to read me a story now?" Bra quietly asked, almost unphased by her father's loud voice. "What?? No! Go to bed!!" Vegeta replied angrily, storming off. Bulma was relieved. Bra was disappointed and soon began to cry. It seemed only Trunks realized that whatever had caused his father to change was reversed when Goku had hit him. "Mommy, I need some money for Christmas presents," Trunks told her as she was taking Bra to her room. "Ok honey," the blue-haired lady replied with a smile before disappearing through the doorway of Bra's room.  
  
Trunks got into bed and stared at the ceiling, 'I think I'll buy mom some new frying pans.'  
  
  


The End.


End file.
